New funny

[JoyRider]

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135" I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4", I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5'2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a witch!

[JoyRider]

An Arab's royal son goes to Germany to study.

A month later he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice I really like it here, but I 'm a bit ashamed to arrive at my school in my Mercedes SLR McLaren, when all my teachers travel by train"

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying....

"STOP embarrassing us go and get yourself a train too.

[JoyRider]

Lady of the House: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guest's names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."

[Cecil]

Subject: Jesus and the Demorcat

 ( I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)

    A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
     The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that
she give  Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
 
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for
a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that  Jesus, over there?"   The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
hot tea, "My treat."
 
    The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't
that God's boy over there?  The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

      As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
   
  Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flipsout the door.
 
    Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The  Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

[JoyRider]

Loved it Cecil!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[MikeF]

Drafting Guys Over 60
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns... We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 . . . in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??Ohhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Cecil]

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.  He didn't want his mother to walk with him.  She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it.  She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.  She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.  Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?  Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest?  Who the heck is she and why is she following us?

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.  And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
 
 
 
 

[Cecil]

Very touching
A Homeless Man’s funeral .
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost….